What if and If only

A special thanks before I begin this post, to my friend Peter, for sharing his feelings of anguish and fear with me, which opened a door for me to return to writing. I had been struggling in recent weeks and months to share my thoughts.

For those who have lost someone to COVID, or are presently caring for and worried about a loved one, my heart goes out to you. I light my candles, often sending loving thoughts into the universe to those suffering. This post is not for you, only my candlelight.

But, for those of you who might be somewhat like me, mildly depressed, anxious, worrisome, fretful, afraid, angry, unmotivated, who are not sick and don’t have any loved ones who are… read on.

The other day I saw a headline on People magazine about someone who had died from cancer. My first thought was, “oh, thank God they only died of cancer, and not COVID.” Seriously?!? I clearly needed to put myself in check. Had I actually just thought that? My next question was, “Sue, just how skewed has your thinking become? Come on, girl, we need to fix this.”

It became clear to me that I needed the equivalent of a chiropractic adjustment on my brain. As a result of that, I have spent the last few days playing with different scenarios in my mind, which I wanted to share in the hopes it might help a few of my readers.

Gratitude seems to be my go-to in life, and it’s one of the few things during this time that perks me up. I have to work on it these days. I make efforts each day to put aside my fears and thank the heavens above for all that is so wonderful in my life.

I hate to admit this, but when I’m struggling to find gratitude, I sometimes need to look to who and what might be worse than what I’m experiencing, to put myself in an appreciative mindset. It was in that vein that I stumbled upon the subject of this post, what if and if only.

On what would turn out to be a healing journey of the mind, I began by trying to put myself in the shoes of the people who experienced Chernobyl. I watched the HBO series last year when visiting our Matt in Buffalo. I didn’t know much about Chernobyl, truthfully, until I watched the series. I felt like I was watching the worst science fiction/horror movie I’d ever seen, except it was a true story. It stayed with me for weeks, if not months. The suffering and loss were horrific.

The people of Chernobyl lost their homes, their land, their loved ones, all their belongings, and lastly were delivered a death sentence. For some, illness would make its way slowly but make no mistake, death would be waiting in the wings for anyone even remotely close to the site.

What if those people were told that all they needed to do was wear a mask, stay away from big crowds, do a bit of social distancing and wash their hands often? Can you imagine the relief and gratitude they would have experienced if only the solution was that simple?

Next, I thought about the families who find themselves sending their sons and daughters, fathers and mothers, wives, and husbands off to foreign lands to fight world battles. Who knew that it’s possible to hold your breath for so many days, turning into months and ending in years?

What if, those millions of people holding their breath were told, all they had to do was wear a mask, stay out of crowds, do a bit of social distancing, and wash their hands. If they followed these simple instructions, they could rest assured that the odds were very high that their loved ones would return home healthy and safe. If only…

Next, my mind visited the Jewish concentration camps, the prisoners stripped of everything, their families, their possessions, their humanness really, treated worse than animals.

What if the prisoners were told that all they needed to do was wear a mask, stay away from big crowds, do a bit of social distancing and wash their hands often? If they did so, they would be released from their suffering? If only…

My last stop was a cancer ward. I could see every stage of life in my vision. Parents with sick children, no child should have to suffer from cancer. No parent should have to experience their sweet baby’s suffering. I saw friends, husbands and wives, parents and grandparents, and grandchildren, every possible connection, suffering through the crisis of cancer. Sometimes there’s a happy ending. So many times, there isn’t.

What if these cancer patients and their loved ones were told that all they needed to do was wear a mask, stay away from big crowds, do a bit of social distancing and wash their hands often? And if they followed these instructions, they had an excellent chance of remission, or even better yet, full recovery? If only…

I ended my journey back in my home sweet home, so grateful for my health and that of my loved ones and thankful for this moment in time, which is all I can truly call my own. And the good news is, I’m just being asked to wear a mask in public places, distance myself for a while, and wash my hands often. Simple remedies are my reality, not a what-if or an if only. In my thinking, that makes me a pretty lucky woman.

Coronavirus is a serious threat, no doubt about it. But we have power available to us through our actions. That is an amazing gift. Let’s use it, and not get too caught up in our rights. We lost the right years ago to ride in a car without a seatbelt. We lived through that, and many lived on because of that.

Before we know it, our masks will be lying at the bottom of a drawer. I can’t wait.

Coronavirus thoughts cont’d

I answered an email from a work colleague this afternoon. Before the coronavirus, he felt like a co-worker. Today he feels like a friend. Both he and his father contracted the virus. They had some touch and go moments over the last few months. He closed his email saying that going forward we would be living in a changing world. I responded that I agreed. 

There will be many changes in how we live and how we perceive the world. I have no doubt we will lose a great deal from this experience. But it’s important to really look at what we are losing. Sometimes our losses turn out to be gifts in disguise. And it’s important to note, that my thoughts do not apply to anyone who has lost a loved one to this virus. These are just thoughts about life changing around us each day.

My world is small these days. Because of that, I write from a limited perspective. But I’ve also been on this planet for just shy of 65 years. My world wasn’t always this small. I only comment on this, because what I write about are simple ideas, and what I foresee as some of the most important changes we can look forward to from this experience.

I am seeing some significant differences out my window each day. We live in a wooded rural area, a horse community with a town population of 4100 people. And we have a public trail adjacent to our property that is available to our association at any time. I look at the path from my desk. I’ve spent a lot of time at my desk writing the last five years. 

I’ve never seen so many people walking, riding their horses, walking their dogs, walking as families, strollers, people on bikes, you name it. Rick and I have spent hours and hours working in the yard, cutting back the berry bushes finally after five years. We burn them in the pit at the end of the day, sitting with a cocktail and something in the form of food to balance that. We have families that now greet us from the street as they take their daily walks. We’ve come to recognize them, and it’s fun to chat from a distance.

At our small market, everyone is protective, kind, and welcoming. It feels as though we all understand that we are all in this boat together. Kind of like Titanic, in the end, there are no cultural or social distinctions this virus will be honoring. We have united as one in spirit, a population that includes all races, making our way through a crisis. Nothing like nature to level the playing field and remind us of what a gift life really is, and also that, for all our differences, we are far more alike than we might imagine.

I mentioned in my last post that I felt mother nature was just summoning us back. I haven’t changed my thoughts on that. And yes, I agree with my co-worker that life will be different.

We will be forced to appreciate simple pleasures going forward. We will be reminded not to take for granted toilet paper, and more importantly, not waste it. Along with food and anything essential to our lives, we will from here on out, be mindful of the gift. 

My mother was a young girl during the depression. Her experience definitely left an imprint on her. She feared to be without food and essentials. I now understand the large wall cabinet in our garage housing canned goods and other necessities. I didn’t see the point up until this experience.

I welcome this lesson to help me understand my mother’s fears and to see that she was doing her best to care for herself and her family.

The virus has forced a significant “look at your life” reality. And I’m sure the lessons will differ for everyone. There are so many parts to this event, health fears, money worries, loss of our freedoms, missing our loved ones, and on and on. Some people are now isolated with loved ones that they are realizing they don’t even know very well anymore, and probably more significantly, don’t like very much.

Yes, in response to my co-worker, it will be a new day. We must remember that Mother Nature is always looking out for her kids. Trust her. Let her take you where you need to go. She always knows best.

Last night I dreamed about being able to fly. I’ve had this dream over the years many times. It’s my favorite dream. I can levitate and move wherever I want to go. But last night’s dream was a bit different. I could move and glide over the earth’s terrain wherever I wanted to go, and at incredible speeds. And I could choose, the localities were on a checklist. I traveled through the foothills over the rivers and streams, on to the ocean and finally to the mountains (all of my favorite places.) In the dream, I was worried about my kids, but enjoying the adventure I was experiencing. It didn’t take too long this morning to decipher my dream. 

Yes, I am worried about my loved ones every day. But on a personal level, I am beginning to soar. I realize I am actually enjoying the lessons I am learning day by day due to this virus. I am slowing down, and I become more grateful each day for simple things. I am putting my life into check, as opposed to the checklist it has been.

Here’s where I end up on what’s important. Number 1 and 2 are hard to choose between, but I realize that without my health, I can’t help or enjoy my loved ones, so in the end, it takes precedence.

1. Health

2. Family/loved ones

3. Sustenance

4. Happiness/vitality

5. Everything else

If I can maintain this understanding going forward even when the virus leaves, I will be forever lucky to have experienced this time.