The Wayward Trail

So many thoughts going through my mind this week on such a wide variety of subjects.  Last night was the first time in a while I awoke with my brain racing, and as sweetly as I tried to coax my inner voice, she would not settle down and go back to sleep.  She had a map to work on (these days she’s got 24-7 to figure these things out, you think she’d get a clue that the middle of the night is not optimal.)
It seems that the universe has decided this is the window to make plans to move forward on my dreams.  While I’ve tried to argue that I wasn’t quite ready for a number of reasons … still so emotional and a bit raw after the last few weeks, it seems Lady Destiny isn’t willing to wait … a blessing and a curse.  I have moved through this last week putting one foot in front of the other, so completely unsure of the terrain and whether my walking shoes would be up for the trek, but just listening to my gut, and taking a chance … remembering my yoga hike and the lesson that I could put one foot in front of the other uphill … even when I didn’t think I could, struggling for each breath.
Interesting how the breath works its way through every yoga move, and nowadays all the movements of my life, my choices, my triumphs, and sadly my sorrows.
My wayward journey continues and the further I travel down the path, the more enchanted I become.  Yet I still struggle every step of the way with the “shoulds.”  My dear friend, Ron, that I’ve spoken of in prior posts, used to teach that when you hear yourself say “I should,” it often times means it is something you might want to reconsider, as it’s usually not a choice of your heart.  It’s a condition you have decided you need to act on, many times out of guilt.  Not a great reason to do much.
I can become so confused pulled toward an old belief.  I think of the early settlers risking everything for their dreams, and I mean everything, including their loved ones.
I have it easy, I’m leveraging nothing more than money and a bit of comfort and stress, small prices for realizing a dream.
As hard as I try to gravitate to new music, I return to my Kenny, One Chance at a Life, as I write and think and process and decide … will it be a return to comfort or will I take the chance.
I think of Kenny’s lyrics, endless second chances and I question the heavens above, reminding God that I made the swan dive, I chose the new life, I held my breath and jumped, and I still have to make the choice again and again. (Really?)  I find that so interesting, and as much as I hate it, I love it.  I am being tested and questioned again and again the last month or so … Sue, are you really ready to make this choice?  In so many words, that’s what the universe has sent to me.  And believe me I have waivered, which is why I believe the question keeps recycling.    ”For love and money I’ve made a lot of dumb mistakes in  my time,” another Kenny line.
I have been so tempted to take the easy road.
But today, this day, I feel a pull, a renewed ever so strong pull, or maybe a breeze to help me leave it all behind, another Kenny line, and opt for the choice of yoga and writing and all that I love.
My journey continues … and it seems I chose my title wisely … it is a wayward trail.  Wish me luck to remain true to course, following that light in the sky beckoning me forward.
Namaste

Jalopy girl

Good morning, or night or afternoon, wherever or whenever you join me.  Time to fill you in a bit more about my class.  While I knew I’d be learning a lot about yoga and stretching, I had no idea how much of the class would be spent looking beyond my postures and into my heart.  I think we all to some degree spend a fair amount of time considering ourselves, our actions, our thoughts and our feelings.  It’s human nature.  But life is busy for most of us, and distractions are ever present, so we can sail through days, months, and even years in a kind of status quo.

That’s been the case for me the last few years.  I had my plate full taking care of my mom, moving, working and commuting regularly to the bay area for work, and making time to enjoy my loved ones.  This class is clearly going to allow me the opportunity to reconsider old ideas or patterns, decide if they are still working for me, and change them if they aren’t.

Each student is required to spend a fair amount of time speaking in front of the group.  After all, public speaking is a prerequisite for teaching yoga, so it’s important to become comfortable with that. Unfortunately, it’s NOT comfortable for the average person, and especially if you find yourself in front of a room of strangers and you are being asked to tell the group why you are crying.  (Do you guys have some time on your hands?  This may take a while.)  I’m not certain if all yoga instructor classes are like this one, but our teachers encourage each of us to share what we are feeling as we go through this process.  There was no shortage of tears last weekend, and I’m confident that was only the tip of the iceberg for this group of amazing old souls.

You see, each student came to this class with different desires and needs.  And after listening to each of my classmates over the weekend, I would have to say that even though we package our needs in different wrapping, bottom line is that we are all there to heal in some way.  I was so touched by each story, and so happy to be connecting with these souls for the next five weeks in their individual journeys.

You might ask, what are some of the reasons my teammates have chosen this class.  And I thought it would be nice to share a few of the backgrounds throughout my posts (of course, with their permission) but to serve as an inspiration for anyone who might be reading this blog and have similar feelings or know someone who does. Yoga is just one approach to healing or change, but the bottom line is, there is always help if we put our need out to the universe.  It’s up to us to be brave enough to, at least internally, acknowledge our true feelings.  But once we take that step, it is amazing how quickly life answers us.  Kenny always rings true … endless second chances to take it one chance at a time.  It is never too late to reinvent yourself when makin’ it don’t make it any more.

I wrote in an earlier blog what my reasons for joining the group were …  generally a desire to return to taking care of my body.  This old girl (referring to my physical body) has been taking good care of me without proper maintenance or nurturing these past few years.  She’s overdue for some attention and a good old-fashioned overhaul (I’m sounding a bit like a jalopy, right?)

But one weekend into this experience, I’m a little suspicious that my needs go a little deeper than that, and that I’ve manifested this experience to also help me heal and mourn my mom’s passing.  And most likely, there’s more I’m still unaware of.  But at this juncture, this is the view I see on my horizon.

I was so moved by each person’s story, but the one I will start with is a woman in her forties who was diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago.  Outwardly she is the picture of health … strong, fit, with an outgoing and friendly personality.  But when she began to speak, I doubt there was a dry eye in the house as she described the fear she lives with on a daily basis … afraid she is going to die of cancer.  She expressed how tired she is of living in fear and that she chose this path to find a peacefulness and heal not only her body, but maybe more importantly at this point, her soul.

I doubt there’s many readers that can’t relate to this in some form or another, whether it’s cancer or some other life-threatening disease, and whether it’s fear for yourself or a loved one … we’ve all been there.  It’s a lonely and frightening place.  I look forward to watching her crusade against the fear, and have no doubt I will learn much from her journey.

On a lighter note, there was no shortage of down dogs, up dogs, and my body was doggone tired by Sunday afternoon (by about 2:30 all I could think was enough with the dogs!!)  We practiced both instructing and being instructed.  And you’d be surprised how hard it is to guide a pose when just learning, “inhale plank pose exhale …  uhhh …. uhhh …. inhale again … no, exhale again …. long pause … people’s faces turning red … need to think … what’s next … mind is a blank …”  It really was hilarious.  We all were novices and everyone held poses for prolonged periods of time while the “practicing teacher” was working through the mixed up jumble of words clogging their brains. It was a pretty good workout.  Lots of laughter and camaraderie as we each struggled with what might seem to be such an easy task.

But isn’t that life?  All beginnings can be challenging as we slowly learn  to master the baby steps, until one day we sail through that which at first seemed so difficult.

Tonight we begin weekend 2.  I’m looking forward to seeing everyone again.  And this week when I pass Carmelita’s Restaurant next door, I may still eye the good-looking meals, but I will not be yearning to duck inside and call Rick to come rescue me.  I will be content to try their cuisine at some date in the future when this adventure is complete.  I have no doubt I will most likely be sitting there in tears as I wax nostalgic about my experience in this amazing class.

Moving forward … baby steps.  Life is good.

Namaste

The Past Repeating itself in a New Light

My meet and greet was awesome, and here we are, two days away from our first class.  I find myself in a mindful preparation for Friday … as well as, a readiness.
Yesterday I ordered my meditation pillow.  I actually love meditation, but have gotten so far from it in past years … let’s see, Lynn, how many years has it been?  (On second thought, let’s not talk numbers right now.)  Anyway, there was a day once upon a time I practiced my yoga and my meditation, and I loved every minute of it.  I can’t tell you how excited I am to make my way back.
But in that day, we didn’t have meditation pillows?  (just sayin’)   So I pulled it up today on Amazon, and there’s no shortage of meditation pillows.  (It’s a butt pillow, but I think they’ve come up with a much nicer name for them.)  They come in every shape, size  and color; but what I learned in my short Amazon drive-by is that you want it filled with buckwheat (not sure what that is, but it sounds like a character from Little Rascals.  Look it up, youngins’, great old show.)
And it’s preferable if it’s covered in organic cotton or hemp.  I browsed the hundreds of meditation pillows, but one caught my eye as it came with a bonus eye pillow.  I have no Idea what an eye pillow is, but if they’re throwing it in the deal and it’s made from buckwheat, then this I is on board.   (Will be an eye exam shortly following this post.)
Hopefully I’ve got this silliness out of my system for the rest of this blog.  (Sharon, you must have some responsibility for this personality trait, as you helped shape me from so young.)
Take a few long breaths before continuing, breathe in … hold for a count of ten … exhale (these are instructions I need to learn how to say in a rhythm that will not asphyxiate my students.)
The meet and greet was truly everything I expected it would be.  A gathering of peaceful souls looking to embark on a life-changing experience, one that will test each of us in ways we can’t even imagine at this point, but that we will remember and cherish for the rest of our days.  That, in a nutshell, is what I came away believing.
I didn’t take a head count, but I think there’s approximately 10-12 females and one male.   I’m definitely the Old Timer (thanks, Kenny, for that term) but I will embrace that role, and teach these youngins’ something in return for what they teach me.  I can’t wait.  I learned working for Virgin America, the position which I will soon be leaving, how rewarding it is to work with people much younger than I.  It makes you step up, not succumb to being lazy, and they have so much to teach us older folks.  They are, after all, what we were in our younger days, and we had a lot to share.  They do too, but exponentially speaking.  I love learning from them, but there will always be room for the wisdom of a generation or two before.  It’s what will help them build a foundation that will allow them to soar.  One generation builds upon the next.
Our two yoga teachers … Scott and Tess, www.eastwindyoga.com, were everything I was expecting and more.
I’d been attending Scott’s classes for a few months, but really not had too many in-depth discussions in that time, sign up for this and that, not too much more than that.  Take that towel, put it in the dryer, that kind of stuff.  But my time in class offered more than enough time to know that he was a true teacher, and one that would push for more at any chance, but make it fun all the while.  Great combo.
Tess, I’d never met, but had visited her website and spoken with her on the phone.  I loved her website, but it failed in comparison with meeting her in person.  What an amazing tiny powerhouse, so full of love and goodness … (these are my teachers?)
Two amazing souls teaching my yoga teacher training class,  I think my mom is up there pulling some strings.
Tomorrow approaching at light speed …
One chance at a life to give it all and get it right …
Endless second chances to take it one chance at a time.  (I’m going to need that to get some of these poses down.)
Will share a few last minute thoughts tomorrow.
Namaste