I’m sure there have been times to rival this period of my life, but it’s been a while since I’ve had so many questions for myself. Should I? Maybe not? Can I? Maybe not. What will happen if I do? What will happen if I don’t?
Oh, and then there’s the little voice I so dearly love who can truly scare the shit out of me on any question I might be contemplating. (thanks, but pipe down. I got this.)
My cat sits quietly beside me as I write, reminding me that she wants a new bowl of food instead of the cat food I put out a few minutes ago. I glance over every few minutes to see her patiently waiting for me to get a clue that the food on her bowl is not what she was hoping for. I try to tell her that I’m writing now, and that the food I already put out is good food. She’s deaf as a doornail (where did that phrase come from? Any clue? Another question that needs answering.)
63 days of freedom so far, future in complete question. Phrases like “do what you love and the money will come” fill my head. I want so badly to believe and stay the course. But my master debater little voice has other options to consider every day, almost hourly.
When I was in college I was nominated by my counselor (such a dear woman) for a scholarship offered by the Bank of America. It required that I participate in a debating contest of sorts with students from all of Northern California. I was shy by nature, and had never taken a debating class. I had experienced one speech class which I hated. Being center stage was not my thing. I was much more comfortable as a stage hand, so to speak. (You can have a lot of fun as a stage hand.)
Digressing … there were levels to this competition as well, if you made it through one competition, then you went on to semi-finals and then the finals. I guess somewhere somehow I became quite the little debater as I placed third in Northern California. Both at the time and in hindsight, I find that incredible. But I tell the story not to pat myself on the back, although that would be okay too, but really to support a theory I have that I can argue and debate with the best of them (much to Rick’s chagrin.) And these days, that darn gal is having her way with me.
I come to a decision one day that I will go a particular thought-out route, and she never hesitates to make her voice heard. (No wonder I won that competition. And sorry, Rick.)
This morning I had coffee with one of my dear yoga classmates, and bless her heart, she reminded me of what I already know, but can lose sight of.
I think I will be declining my second job offer to allow room for the path that I can see ahead … it’s only a glimpse on the horizon, but it’s there. As I said in my last post … if only we could dive off that cliff but once, that would be so great. But this effort takes a constant vigilance and continued dives, not to mention a few belly flops to achieve that brilliant swan dive.
I’ve come this far … I’m callin’ all angels and sending back a message to the universe that settling for a job I don’t want as opposed to pursuing writing and yoga, is not for me. Holding my breath for the plunge and prayers that I don’t belly flop.
And kitty is happy since Rick got home a few minutes ago to rescue her from her plight of food she didn’t want. Like I say, there’s always an angel somewhere waiting to help.
Stay tuned, and please send a positive thought my way.
Namaste, and thanks Ally for the lift.